Two Illnesses

For the last few weeks I have experienced an undercurrent of sadness and concern stemming from the illnesses of people in my life. You see, over these weeks two people close to me have experienced very serious medical conditions, with the gravest of consequences. What struck me was how these two individuals came to be in their respective conditions, and how their reactions have been so very different. I keep searching my own thoughts for some meaning to all this, yet end up in much the same place where I began.

It's important that you know something about the folks I'm referring to. This is dicey for me because I don't want to wander over any line of decency or privacy that should rightly exist. In times of crisis, particularly medical crisis, there should be some boundaries that aren't crossed. Both have graciously allowed me the privilege to share these events. As I tell this story I hope I haven't violated any boundaries, and that I write about them with all the respect they deserve. The two people involved are very different people, with very different conditions, and they occupy very different stages in life. It is these differences that got me thinking about this essay.

The first woman I'll describe is our daughter's mother-in-law. Her name is Lynn. Lynn is approaching her mid-sixties and has suffered from chronic poor health for many years. She's divorced and has two grown sons, both in there thirties. My son-in-law is her younger son. From the time we've known Lynn she has struggled with health issues leading to this point. She has has weight problems, and personal  habits that have contributed to a series of orthopedic surgeries to replace hips, and the need to use oxygen continuously. She recently moved to an assisted living apartment because she couldn't manage on her own any longer. I think you understand the situation and there is no further need for details. But what's important to know is that she is now approaching the end of her life. She finally succumbed to the inevitable, and has been hospitalized for nearly two weeks. None of this was a surprise- yet the reality of her situation has proven to be a painful and difficult event for our son-in-law, and therefore our family. Thankfully, he is coping well with these realities now in spite of the daily ups and downs of Lynn's condition. He has the support of his family and many others.

The situation with Lynn takes me back to my late twenties. Both of my parents died within six months of each other, both from chronic illnesses. So the certainty of a parent's death in coming weeks or months is a feeling not lost on me. Who knows if I handled it as well as would be expected by the experts in these matters. I'm not sure if there is text-book response. But, I think I did OK with these losses, and the loss of several other very close relatives who passed away in short succession. In the nearly thirty years since then, I hope I have developed a perspective that can be helpful to my family as we keep watch over Lynn's final days.

The other woman is Molly. I've known Molly since she was twelve years old. I helped coach her youth softball team when she played along side my kids. She didn't go to the same high school as my girls, so I lost track of her until about eleven years ago. One day I went into a Super Cuts and there she was, cutting hair. Since then we've struck up a great friendship that I value so much. She cuts my hair. We talk. I know her parents. I did the photography for her engagement, her wedding, and the first baby pictures when she brought Sophia home. I have always found her to be open, honest and engaging as a friend. I really enjoy having friends outside my own generation, both younger and older. It adds more richness to life. Molly has certainly added more richness to my life. She's one of the most unique people I know, so every month when I show up for a haircut- it's a talk fest that makes me glad I know her. About three weeks ago she texted me to say she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. I confess, I was a stunned.  Molly is 34. Sophia is 6. Molly's mom is just getting past a couple of years recovering from her own bout with breast cancer. Molly's husband is doing all he can for her.

Molly and I have talked a couple of times since she found out she has cancer. I won't recount the events she's shared with me as she endures the tests, the MRI's, genetic testing, the endless consultations, and the choices she and her husband must face. But her cancer will require radical treatment, surgery and a long period of chemo- with all that that implies. Molly's illness is eliciting many of the same responses from friends and family that Lynn's illness is. People express their sympathy. People say that they are praying. People send heartfelt wishes and their shared thoughts and worries. The difference is that these thoughts, prayers, and wishes are comforting to Lynn and her family; but serve only to sometimes frustrate and annoy Molly. Molly has decided to use her emotions (which includes anger), and her resolve, to fight her illness, whereas Lynn cannot. There is no question in Molly's mind that she will survive, but in Lynn's case there is no question that her end will come soon.

I don't approach Molly with traditional expressions of sympathy or Hallmark Card emotions. She doesn't want them. We agreed I would just be the friend she could have normal conversations with. Too many people now want to treat her differently because she has the big C. And if you show up around her with a pink ribbon, you're going to catch hell. She doesn't need any more cancer awareness, thank you. Don't talk to her of prayers. She has faith- but she's finding no comfort in it now. She'll work that out on her own without the normal religious cliche's. She's taking the fight to cancer-and I know she'll win because she is, and always has been, tougher than I can describe. She's been a type 1 diabetic since the softball days of her childhood and she knows how to beat the odds. She even had a baby when they told her she couldn't. She is stubborn in her approach to this thing- but I admire her single minded will to fight, to survive, and come out the other end as she wants to be. And, she will.

When people in our life have serious issues, they tend to become our issues on some level, if we care about them. Over the last weeks the two situations I've described have been so poignant for me because they have some similarities, and such glaring differences at the same time. I am not one to search for deep spiritual or religious meaning in these situations. And, as I said in opening this essay, I keep coming back to the same place. It is a place of peace in my own mind; and one I try to share with those closest to their problems. I derive that peace from my belief there is no grand plan, or no grand planner, that makes us sick or heals us. There is certainly no observable record of any such plan. I don't believe that everything "happens for a reason" -and that reason is somehow beyond our ability to understand it. The randomness of how our lives come into being and how they end doesn't suggest any plan at all. I believe we are just a part of the natural world around us. As part of nature, our bodies will eventually fail and fall to the fate of all living things. Some earlier, some later than others. I can't believe there is a grand rationale as to why some will live for 90 years, while some will die as infants- other than it is just our nature as inhabitants on this earth. To me that's actually a comforting notion. So, with this in mind I make my best effort to accept what must be accepted- and to be supportive where support and friendship is needed. These two illnesses have reinforced for me there is no one way to react- no correct answer; except to give of ourselves in a way other people need us to, without judgment or reservation. Lynn and Molly's futures will not be the same, but I will do my best to be there for them in whatever way they need me to be there for them.

Thanks for looking in.