I got to Thursday of last week and hadn't settled on a topic for this week. I had a couple of ideas percolating in my head , but nothing was coming together. Late that afternoon I decided to take the dog for a walk to relieve his cabin fever, resulting from a cold rainy week.We took the long route that leads through the play ground of our neighborhood elementary school. School had been out for a couple of hours but a group of eight boys were gathered under the basketball hoops behind the school. They looked to be twelve or thirteen. Several were sitting on bikes, while others were standing there exchanging the usual school-boy B.S. as the dog and I passed. Then something happened that really shook me.
One of the boys just blurted out a racist joke to the group. I'm sure he paid no mind to me being there one way or the other, except that he might have noticed I'm white. But in a loud voice this kid told the following "joke", a term I use advisedly: "what do you call a black guy having sex?" -- "rape!". It stopped me in my tracks. The following exchange then took place verbatim.
I turned to the kid, gave him my best stink-eye and asked "where did you hear that joke?" The kid was a little surprised I was addressing him and said, "what do you mean?" Then I said, "why would you tell a racist joke like that?" Now the kid is starting to squirm a bit and his friends were acting a little sheepish too, when the kid just said, "what's it to you?", feeling a little bravado I guess. I said, "I'm just curious why you would be here on school grounds telling a hateful joke like that". The kid just stared at me, probably not knowing what to say- then one of the boys bounced a basketball as if to signal-we should go. Several others just turned away and the group began to slowly scatter and dissipate without further comment. I continued the stink-eye for a few seconds as the boys moved away -then continued on my walk with the dog. But I couldn't get that ugly joke, or the image of that kid out of my head.
As the dog and I made our way through the neighborhood I was feeling anger towards this young boy. He was old enough to know better than to repeat a terrible, racist joke. But as I thought more about it, I came to realize that it may not have been entirely his fault. It occurred to me the "joke" was so far out of bounds (and hateful) that somewhere along the way that kid heard the joke (or ones like it) from an important adult in his life. I reasoned that exposure to racism somehow gave the kid permission to think it's still acceptable to have that level of racial insensitivity and animus. My feelings turned to pity for that kid instead of anger.
The experience also got me remembering that there was a time when I might have told that kind of joke. Growing up in the late 50's and early sixties racial jokes were more common. I can still recall my own father telling those kinds of jokes. So I tried not to be too judgemental about the kid at the school. But this is no longer the 60's. Racism should no longer be this common- this easily blurted out in public. But there is no denying that racism is alive and well. That kid just proved it to me again.
There were so many things wrong with what that boy said. Aside from being unbelievably un-clever and decidedly un-funny, it is simply an expression of hateful and untruthful stereotyping. It is the heart of bigotry. It says all black men are basically bad- that anything a "black guy " does is criminal- and they are not like us (white folk) by their nature. Thinking more about this incident, I began to reflect on how this might be an outgrowth of the racism that has come to the fore since we elected our first African American President. This monumental achievement is so worthy of praise, given that less than 150 years ago Barrack Obama would have (or could have) been a slave and not even human under our Constitution. Instead, many of our inborn prejudices have been aroused again and brought to the forefront of our conscienceness. In that context, that dumb-ass kid on the playground may just be a reflection of what lurks just below the surface for so many in our country.
I suppose I shouldn't have been so surprised to hear that "joke" wafting through the air on the playground. It is clear that racism is thriving, but it is also clear that we, as a nation, have gotten better at it. We have become more sophisticated and more subtle in how we talk the racist talk. We don't dare even utter the N-word. Even in condemning it, we never actually say the word- it is too explosive and offensive. 50 years ago that kid would have told the same joke, but substituted N-word for "black guy". But, it doesn't really change the meaning, does it? The FBI reports that there are well over a thousand white supremacy groups in the US and the number is growing. Consider too, the subtle racism amongst our national "leaders" and it isn't hard to understand how our children reflect the racist tones carried on the subtle, "dog-whistle" phrases of the day.
The 'birther" movement is a good example. Obama was born in the U.S.- Hawaii has verified it, but even today this nonsense doesn't stop. It is another way to say-the black guy in the White House is not like us. Last week a Colorado congressman said just that; "I don't know where he was born, but he's just not an American." The idiot showman Trump made a run for the Presidency based on this racism- and is still touting this foolishness while fundraising for Romney right now. When Obama was in the fight for health care reform, Senator DeMint of South Carolina said they would use the issue "to break him". "Breaking him" is a term used in the old South describing the punishment of an unruly slave- much the way you "break" a mule or a horse. Later that year Rep. Wilson from South Carolina yelled "You Lie!" at the President during an address to a joint session of Congress- then raised funds on his despicable behavior. Wilson showed a level of disrespect unlike any President has ever experienced in that setting. The stereotype was evident- Black people are just liars! Wilson might as well have told the same joke the kid told. Clearly, what gave Wilson permission to act that way towards a sitting President of the United States is the same underlying racism that gave the kid permission on the schoolyard. Rush Limbaugh produced a parody song and repeatedly played it on his show: "Barack the Magic Negro". Not one Republican leader denounced this or countless other racist remarks that air daily on right-wing radio. It's no wonder a kid would tell that ugly joke.
Looking at the rhetoric that is sure to bubble up with greater intensity over the next months of the campaign, I hope we will be mindful to watch out for the increase in racially charged language that will most certainly infiltrate the campaign. Even now we are seeing the subtle language of racism we saw during the Republican primaries. Look at what Gingrich said about "inner city" (read Black) kids. He thought they should all be school janitors because they don't have role models at home with legitimate jobs. Or look at the position of the candidates on Hispanics- shameful stereotypes throughout. Mr. Romney is now saying the President "simply doesn't understand the economy". President Obama is a Harvard Law School grad and past President of the Harvard Law Review- the most prestigious and coveted position for any law student in the country. Yet we are supposed to believe he doesn't possess the intelligence to understand basic economics? Is this part of the subtle stereotyping of intelligence, based on race? I don't know for sure- but I know that exaggerations, inaccuracies and lies are the tools of racism because they foster false stereotypes. And we are seeing these gross inaccuracies more everyday in our politics.
We have not resolved the issue of racism. I have long believed it is our most vexing social issue. But it is more than that. It is also a political and economic issue. Racial issues are part of our fabric as a nation, based on our history as a slave holding country; and that legacy has not been purged from our collective conscienceness yet. The work of overcoming racism is difficult and it is far from done. I was sad and sickened to hear the poison of that infection coming from a boy on the schoolyard. Responsible adults have the absolute duty to confront this and remove it from our childrens' minds and our own. It is the only way to change our people and our country- lest we be destroyed by it.
Thanks for looking in.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Being Civil
Almost 38 years ago I entered into a civil arrangement. The arrangement entitled my partner and I to certain rights and privileges as sanctioned and controlled by law where I live; and most anywhere else I may choose to live in this country-or even other counties. The arrangement entitled us to be considered next-of-kin to one another. As next-of-kin we have the ability under law to make certain decisions for each other, like deciding on critical medical care should one of us be unable to decide these things. This arrangement entitles each of us to claim ownership in half the property acquired by the other. It entitles us to participate in employee benefit programs the other may get. We are also able to claim survivor's benefits from the Social Security Administration if one of us dies. This arrangement provides us with a legal status that prevents other parties from just being able to come into our lives and claim any control over our personal or financial affairs, unless specifically granted by another lawful arrangement. This arrangement gives me much peace of mind, because I know that my life and my partner's life are protected by laws that give us security over matters that pertain to our lives. I take comfort in this arrangement. It has value to me.
My partner in this arrangement and I went through a religious ceremony which was a traditional ritual called a Wedding. We were in a church- family and friends were there. We recited vows. The Officiant was a Priest and when the service was over we still were NOT legally married- such that any of the things I described above were real or in effect. Those things happened a short time later in the Priest's office. It was there we signed the legal Marriage Certificate, with witnesses, and with someone the government had granted permission to manage these marriage documents (the Priest in our case). This is the time we were being civil. Aside from the personal feelings of affection and the religious ritual, this was where the actual marriage took place- a civil matter- sanctioned by the state and regulated by the state. This is the part of marriage the politicians claim forms "the basic building block and foundation of our society and our democracy". The ritual in the church had no legal meaning- that is to say, without the stuff that happened later in the office, the church part wouldn't count for anything, legally. The real marriage, the one that defines families and recognizes marital unions by law could have just as easily (and legally) been completed in a biker-bar or sitting by the pool.
Over the last couple of weeks we have rehashed the old business of gay marriage. I'm jumping in on this because I find it such a compelling social and political issue. As much as the pundits think this upcoming election is only about the economy- I think women's issues and the gay marriage issue will not be going away soon. I'm just convinced that this is a cultural election as a much as it is an economic one. For the record- I favor allowing gay marriage. (big surprise, huh?) I view allowing gay marriage as a civil rights issue based on the benefits I get from legal marriage. And those are a but a few of the major ones. There are a number of other rights and privileges granted to legally married couples- that only come with government sanctioned marriage.
The primary argument against allowing gay marriage is the claim that it would "redefine marriage" in a way that would erode the family. There have been times in our history when we have "redefined" much bigger issues than marriage. We redefined human-ness when we eventually outlawed slavery. Prior to the 13th Amendment slaves were not considered fully human. Our original Constitution designated slaves as only 3/5ths human. In 1920 we redefined basic citizenship by giving women the right to vote. So we can redefine marriage too if we have the will to recognize its current limits as a violation of civil rights. It's what I would call, being civil.
Those who argue that marriage is "traditionally one man and one woman" weren't paying close attention in history class. This is really only a recent condition, and it is not universal around the globe even now.When some folks argue the biblical origins of traditional marriage, I would point out that in biblical times multiple wives were common, arranged marriages were the norm, and most women were sold into marriage- even in the tribes of the ancient Hebrews. There is no one form of marriage. The most prevalent tradition of marriage throughout history is that women generally enjoy a lesser status in marriage than men. Marriages were for convenience- for political gain- they were used to provide tribal harmony amongst rivals- or to mend differences between nations or families. They were most generally used to regulate wealth, property rights and to define family lineage. Pairing off in romantic love was way down the list of reasons people married. We don't show much respect for the sanctity of marriage in this country even now. In this country we currently practice serial (multiple) marriage (i.e. more than one spouse- just one at-a-time) So let's be honest when we make arguments citing tradition. Marriage has always had a fluid definition, and it is continually changing.
Given that marriage confers certain civil rights in our society, I'm having trouble understanding why it is acceptable for some to deny the same civil rights to same-sex partners. Same-sex partners hold jobs, form long loving relationships, and raise children to be productive people. They are for the most part just like everyone else. The only reason I can glean from all the chatter is the religious dogma of some religious groups condemning it, and the bigotry that follows. Some religious leaders claim that permitting same-sex marriage infringes on their rights of religious freedom. What nonsense. No one is even suggesting any religious group honor or participate in rituals or ceremonies for same-sex couples if they object. In religious matters, the existence of other beliefs or practices shouldn't threaten the core of a religion. We must remember that our Constitution provides for freedom OF religion and it provides, with equal force, freedom FROM religion. I would hope most religions would want to practice the art of tolerance and acceptance, since most religious groups have suffered persecution at one time or another. Sadly, that is not the case.
President Obama and Mr. Romney have both stated their position on same-sex marriage. They are vastly different. President Obama favors same-sex marriage- Mr. Romney opposes it. However, they are remarkably the same on one aspect of the debate. Both have said it should be up to the States to decide the matter. I disagree. Any true resolution of this issue must be a national resolution. We cannot have a separate status for the same population depending on the state you're in. No other basic civil right is regulated that way. It's a cop-out to claim States' Rights. Perhaps the late Sen. Robert F. Kennedy said it best:
"States' rights, as our forefathers conceived it, was a protection of the rights of the individual citizen. Those who preach most frequently about States' rights today are not seeking the protection of the individual citizen, but his exploitation.....The time is long past- if indeed it ever existed- when the we should permit the noble concept of States' rights to be betrayed and corrupted into a slogan to hide the bald denial of American rights, of civil rights, and of human rights." (emphasis added)
It is high time we decide to just be civil on this topic and permit gay and lesbian people the same rights afforded the rest of us. I have never heard a cogent argument detailing any harm that could come from allowing same-sex marriage. If there is one, please let me know.The American people favor allowing same-sex marriage (by a small but growing majority). We do more harm to our nation by holding on to this last bastion of bigotry, than we would by simply expanding tolerance and civility. The expansion of human rights is the American tradition of being civil.
Thanks for looking in.
My partner in this arrangement and I went through a religious ceremony which was a traditional ritual called a Wedding. We were in a church- family and friends were there. We recited vows. The Officiant was a Priest and when the service was over we still were NOT legally married- such that any of the things I described above were real or in effect. Those things happened a short time later in the Priest's office. It was there we signed the legal Marriage Certificate, with witnesses, and with someone the government had granted permission to manage these marriage documents (the Priest in our case). This is the time we were being civil. Aside from the personal feelings of affection and the religious ritual, this was where the actual marriage took place- a civil matter- sanctioned by the state and regulated by the state. This is the part of marriage the politicians claim forms "the basic building block and foundation of our society and our democracy". The ritual in the church had no legal meaning- that is to say, without the stuff that happened later in the office, the church part wouldn't count for anything, legally. The real marriage, the one that defines families and recognizes marital unions by law could have just as easily (and legally) been completed in a biker-bar or sitting by the pool.
Over the last couple of weeks we have rehashed the old business of gay marriage. I'm jumping in on this because I find it such a compelling social and political issue. As much as the pundits think this upcoming election is only about the economy- I think women's issues and the gay marriage issue will not be going away soon. I'm just convinced that this is a cultural election as a much as it is an economic one. For the record- I favor allowing gay marriage. (big surprise, huh?) I view allowing gay marriage as a civil rights issue based on the benefits I get from legal marriage. And those are a but a few of the major ones. There are a number of other rights and privileges granted to legally married couples- that only come with government sanctioned marriage.
The primary argument against allowing gay marriage is the claim that it would "redefine marriage" in a way that would erode the family. There have been times in our history when we have "redefined" much bigger issues than marriage. We redefined human-ness when we eventually outlawed slavery. Prior to the 13th Amendment slaves were not considered fully human. Our original Constitution designated slaves as only 3/5ths human. In 1920 we redefined basic citizenship by giving women the right to vote. So we can redefine marriage too if we have the will to recognize its current limits as a violation of civil rights. It's what I would call, being civil.
Those who argue that marriage is "traditionally one man and one woman" weren't paying close attention in history class. This is really only a recent condition, and it is not universal around the globe even now.When some folks argue the biblical origins of traditional marriage, I would point out that in biblical times multiple wives were common, arranged marriages were the norm, and most women were sold into marriage- even in the tribes of the ancient Hebrews. There is no one form of marriage. The most prevalent tradition of marriage throughout history is that women generally enjoy a lesser status in marriage than men. Marriages were for convenience- for political gain- they were used to provide tribal harmony amongst rivals- or to mend differences between nations or families. They were most generally used to regulate wealth, property rights and to define family lineage. Pairing off in romantic love was way down the list of reasons people married. We don't show much respect for the sanctity of marriage in this country even now. In this country we currently practice serial (multiple) marriage (i.e. more than one spouse- just one at-a-time) So let's be honest when we make arguments citing tradition. Marriage has always had a fluid definition, and it is continually changing.
Given that marriage confers certain civil rights in our society, I'm having trouble understanding why it is acceptable for some to deny the same civil rights to same-sex partners. Same-sex partners hold jobs, form long loving relationships, and raise children to be productive people. They are for the most part just like everyone else. The only reason I can glean from all the chatter is the religious dogma of some religious groups condemning it, and the bigotry that follows. Some religious leaders claim that permitting same-sex marriage infringes on their rights of religious freedom. What nonsense. No one is even suggesting any religious group honor or participate in rituals or ceremonies for same-sex couples if they object. In religious matters, the existence of other beliefs or practices shouldn't threaten the core of a religion. We must remember that our Constitution provides for freedom OF religion and it provides, with equal force, freedom FROM religion. I would hope most religions would want to practice the art of tolerance and acceptance, since most religious groups have suffered persecution at one time or another. Sadly, that is not the case.
President Obama and Mr. Romney have both stated their position on same-sex marriage. They are vastly different. President Obama favors same-sex marriage- Mr. Romney opposes it. However, they are remarkably the same on one aspect of the debate. Both have said it should be up to the States to decide the matter. I disagree. Any true resolution of this issue must be a national resolution. We cannot have a separate status for the same population depending on the state you're in. No other basic civil right is regulated that way. It's a cop-out to claim States' Rights. Perhaps the late Sen. Robert F. Kennedy said it best:
"States' rights, as our forefathers conceived it, was a protection of the rights of the individual citizen. Those who preach most frequently about States' rights today are not seeking the protection of the individual citizen, but his exploitation.....The time is long past- if indeed it ever existed- when the we should permit the noble concept of States' rights to be betrayed and corrupted into a slogan to hide the bald denial of American rights, of civil rights, and of human rights." (emphasis added)
It is high time we decide to just be civil on this topic and permit gay and lesbian people the same rights afforded the rest of us. I have never heard a cogent argument detailing any harm that could come from allowing same-sex marriage. If there is one, please let me know.The American people favor allowing same-sex marriage (by a small but growing majority). We do more harm to our nation by holding on to this last bastion of bigotry, than we would by simply expanding tolerance and civility. The expansion of human rights is the American tradition of being civil.
Thanks for looking in.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
The Mothers In Our Family
I live in a family dominated by women. Perhaps that isn't exactly accurate anymore-counting my sons-in-law and the grandsons we have now. My wife and I had two daughters- and my two daughters' generation were entirely girls on my wife's side of our extended family. Seeing all these girls in the family and watching them grow up to be parents themselves has given me some perspective on the issue of motherhood. I don't claim to understand it entirely, but I have grown to admire the mother's role more and more, and appreciate the power of motherhood. More specifically I have grown to appreciate the mothers in our family.
As much as I know and love the women who were mothers and grandmothers to me as I was growing up, I'm focusing on the women from my wife's side of the family. My grandmothers and my mom have long passed away, and I want this essay to speak to the on-going legacy of motherhood that forms the chain of loving continuity in our family. I take my role as a father very seriously and I know the importance of fathers, but as I reflected on the strength of this family I know it is the women- the mothers- who provide the strong core of our family.
Generational motherhood is ever-present. Up until just a few years ago we had the experience of having five generations of women present in this family. It started with my wife Lee's great-grandmother being a big part of her life and upbringing. Francesca was an Italian immigrant who came here to found the family in this country along with her husband Enrico. When our kids came along (with their cousins) we took great pains to make sure the five-generation pictures were taken at every occasion. But the five-generation situation was more than just a photo op, it served as a template for mothering. It demonstrated that motherhood is a special skill that is best taught and passed on from one generation to the next. When our grandchildren arrived, the family once again had the privilege of five generations- but that too has passed now. Having spent my professional career working with sub-par moms in the child welfare arena I can attest that bad mothering can be generational too. So, I never underestimate the influence of prior generations in creating good moms. In fact, it's an essential ingredient.
My wife's grandmother and great-grandmother each have a unique story that is worth telling in detail, but this is a blog not a book, so I'll just say these women had great strengths and skills as mothers. Those generations were a microcosm of the changes for women in this country over the last century, as women's roles went from being the immigrant farm wife and mother, to being the mother and woman working outside the home. This huge social change can be tracked perfectly in the women of our family. Lee's mom, Ellie, was really the first of the mothers in our family to be employed full-time while being a full-time mother. She is retired and in her eighties now but remains a major influence in the lives of her three children. She experienced a troubled first marriage (with the kids' dad) but used that experience to impart an important lesson to her children. The lesson was to be self-sufficient. She taught her two daughters that being a mother meant being dedicated to your children in every way possible- including being able to support and provide for them- on your own, if you have to. She is an example of the hard working woman who was able to balance the needs of her children while holding down a job or even being a business owner.
That brings me to my wife Lee and her journey through motherhood. I first sensed the power of motherhood about a year after we were married. We got married young (both of us age 20). After about a year of marriage Lee started having very strong feelings about having a child. Our financial situation wasn't the best for starting a family, but I learned very quickly about the biological drive some women feel to have a baby. So we had a baby. Lesson one: the pull of motherhood is stronger than me- and just about everything else too. I didn't object at the time- nonetheless I got the point. And things worked out OK-having our first daughter at age 22. (I mean, are you ever really prepared enough?- No.)
We moved, we worked, we got a house and did all things young parents do. About two years later we had our second child. We decided then that two kids would be about right for us. Those first years of parenting were years of real joy and real learning for both of us, as young parents. However, to be honest, it was Lee who shouldered most of the work of nurturing our children in those critical first years of life. Even though I tried hard to be a good father, there were times when only Lee had the magic touch to soothe a crying baby. Lesson two: "only mama" is a real thing. Mothers can connect with babies on a level most men can never achieve.
It was during those years that I noticed the women in the family instinctively sought out and knew just when to share the common experience of being a mother. We are a complex species and I think it's safe to say that not everything in mothering (or parenting in general) is totally instinctive. Most of it is taught. And our family was very fortunate to have so many seasoned teachers (mothers) among us. Many times I can recall Lee calling or talking to her mother, grandmother, or older sister about the art of mothering. Even in the event of differing opinions and generational differences a valuable lesson could always be found. Lesson three: There is no substitute for the collective wisdom of mothers.
As our kids grew a bit older, Lee's mothering activities moved her into being with many other mothers at a Parent Cooperative Preschool. This was a place where young mom's (and some dads) learned to provide high level early childhood education to their children under the guidance and supervision of a Master Educator. This experience sowed the seeds of her life's work. Growing from this simple involvement with our children by participating in their early education, Lee has become one of the leading Early Childhood Educators in the state. Lee kept advancing her own education and prowess as our kids were growing until she finished her AA, then her Bachelors degree in Education, and finally her Masters in Early Childhood Education. She was an elementary teacher, a Director of a Child Care Resource and Referral agency, a Regional Child Care Licencing Director, an Early Childhood Education Director of a large school district, and a now the Director of a major Child and Family Center, as well as being a sought-after professional consultant on Child Care. She has a great career as you can see- but what is interesting is that this is all an outgrowth of her interest in being a good mother.
The positive effects of Lee's life as a mother, an educator, and now a grandmother are showing up in our children and grandchildren. I have written in other entries about our two daughters and our pride in the kind of people they've turned out be. Their mom was an outstanding role model for them in all categories of their lives. They witnessed, from a very young age, how hard Lee worked to get her education. They too have gone on to higher education, with both of the girls obtaining college degrees. They watched as Lee entered her profession and excelled, just as they are both excelling in their chosen professions. But what is most remarkable to see is the way both of our daughters have blossomed as parents. Erin is an outstanding mother (and step-mother to her husband's son). She is one of the most attentive and affectionate mom's I've ever seen. She puts my parenting skills to shame. In spite of her lofty career demands she and her husband Landon go out of their way to make sure her kids have a happy home life and the best education available to them. Emily is such a great parent too. Her natural warmth and affection is showered on her children. Emily has dedicated herself to the delicate (and often difficult) balancing act of a demanding profession and the amazing job she's doing raising her kids. Emily has just returned to work after having her new baby daughter in January. She and her husband Jake have created a great environment and arrangement to make sure their kids are growing and developing just as they should. The dedication to their kids is amazing- and though I might be a little biased, Emily and Erin's children are all just great kids.
Mother's Day is a fitting time to tell you about the mothers in our family. I'm obviously very proud to be part of a family that enjoys this legacy of motherhood. I have every confidence the legacy will continue on, and that some day our two granddaughters (Zoe and Kaya) will carry on the tradition of great mothering, with guidance from the generations that came before them . I also hope our grandsons (Jaydn, Micah and Ben) will form their families with women who possess these wonderful traits. There is tremendous variety in the paths women take on the journey to, and through motherhood; and each choice is worthy of our respect. But thanks for letting me tell you about the path of women in our family. Happy Mothers Day to all mothers and their families- and a very special Happy Mothers Day (and thank you) to the mothers in our family.
Thanks for looking in.
As much as I know and love the women who were mothers and grandmothers to me as I was growing up, I'm focusing on the women from my wife's side of the family. My grandmothers and my mom have long passed away, and I want this essay to speak to the on-going legacy of motherhood that forms the chain of loving continuity in our family. I take my role as a father very seriously and I know the importance of fathers, but as I reflected on the strength of this family I know it is the women- the mothers- who provide the strong core of our family.
Generational motherhood is ever-present. Up until just a few years ago we had the experience of having five generations of women present in this family. It started with my wife Lee's great-grandmother being a big part of her life and upbringing. Francesca was an Italian immigrant who came here to found the family in this country along with her husband Enrico. When our kids came along (with their cousins) we took great pains to make sure the five-generation pictures were taken at every occasion. But the five-generation situation was more than just a photo op, it served as a template for mothering. It demonstrated that motherhood is a special skill that is best taught and passed on from one generation to the next. When our grandchildren arrived, the family once again had the privilege of five generations- but that too has passed now. Having spent my professional career working with sub-par moms in the child welfare arena I can attest that bad mothering can be generational too. So, I never underestimate the influence of prior generations in creating good moms. In fact, it's an essential ingredient.
My wife's grandmother and great-grandmother each have a unique story that is worth telling in detail, but this is a blog not a book, so I'll just say these women had great strengths and skills as mothers. Those generations were a microcosm of the changes for women in this country over the last century, as women's roles went from being the immigrant farm wife and mother, to being the mother and woman working outside the home. This huge social change can be tracked perfectly in the women of our family. Lee's mom, Ellie, was really the first of the mothers in our family to be employed full-time while being a full-time mother. She is retired and in her eighties now but remains a major influence in the lives of her three children. She experienced a troubled first marriage (with the kids' dad) but used that experience to impart an important lesson to her children. The lesson was to be self-sufficient. She taught her two daughters that being a mother meant being dedicated to your children in every way possible- including being able to support and provide for them- on your own, if you have to. She is an example of the hard working woman who was able to balance the needs of her children while holding down a job or even being a business owner.
That brings me to my wife Lee and her journey through motherhood. I first sensed the power of motherhood about a year after we were married. We got married young (both of us age 20). After about a year of marriage Lee started having very strong feelings about having a child. Our financial situation wasn't the best for starting a family, but I learned very quickly about the biological drive some women feel to have a baby. So we had a baby. Lesson one: the pull of motherhood is stronger than me- and just about everything else too. I didn't object at the time- nonetheless I got the point. And things worked out OK-having our first daughter at age 22. (I mean, are you ever really prepared enough?- No.)
We moved, we worked, we got a house and did all things young parents do. About two years later we had our second child. We decided then that two kids would be about right for us. Those first years of parenting were years of real joy and real learning for both of us, as young parents. However, to be honest, it was Lee who shouldered most of the work of nurturing our children in those critical first years of life. Even though I tried hard to be a good father, there were times when only Lee had the magic touch to soothe a crying baby. Lesson two: "only mama" is a real thing. Mothers can connect with babies on a level most men can never achieve.
It was during those years that I noticed the women in the family instinctively sought out and knew just when to share the common experience of being a mother. We are a complex species and I think it's safe to say that not everything in mothering (or parenting in general) is totally instinctive. Most of it is taught. And our family was very fortunate to have so many seasoned teachers (mothers) among us. Many times I can recall Lee calling or talking to her mother, grandmother, or older sister about the art of mothering. Even in the event of differing opinions and generational differences a valuable lesson could always be found. Lesson three: There is no substitute for the collective wisdom of mothers.
As our kids grew a bit older, Lee's mothering activities moved her into being with many other mothers at a Parent Cooperative Preschool. This was a place where young mom's (and some dads) learned to provide high level early childhood education to their children under the guidance and supervision of a Master Educator. This experience sowed the seeds of her life's work. Growing from this simple involvement with our children by participating in their early education, Lee has become one of the leading Early Childhood Educators in the state. Lee kept advancing her own education and prowess as our kids were growing until she finished her AA, then her Bachelors degree in Education, and finally her Masters in Early Childhood Education. She was an elementary teacher, a Director of a Child Care Resource and Referral agency, a Regional Child Care Licencing Director, an Early Childhood Education Director of a large school district, and a now the Director of a major Child and Family Center, as well as being a sought-after professional consultant on Child Care. She has a great career as you can see- but what is interesting is that this is all an outgrowth of her interest in being a good mother.
The positive effects of Lee's life as a mother, an educator, and now a grandmother are showing up in our children and grandchildren. I have written in other entries about our two daughters and our pride in the kind of people they've turned out be. Their mom was an outstanding role model for them in all categories of their lives. They witnessed, from a very young age, how hard Lee worked to get her education. They too have gone on to higher education, with both of the girls obtaining college degrees. They watched as Lee entered her profession and excelled, just as they are both excelling in their chosen professions. But what is most remarkable to see is the way both of our daughters have blossomed as parents. Erin is an outstanding mother (and step-mother to her husband's son). She is one of the most attentive and affectionate mom's I've ever seen. She puts my parenting skills to shame. In spite of her lofty career demands she and her husband Landon go out of their way to make sure her kids have a happy home life and the best education available to them. Emily is such a great parent too. Her natural warmth and affection is showered on her children. Emily has dedicated herself to the delicate (and often difficult) balancing act of a demanding profession and the amazing job she's doing raising her kids. Emily has just returned to work after having her new baby daughter in January. She and her husband Jake have created a great environment and arrangement to make sure their kids are growing and developing just as they should. The dedication to their kids is amazing- and though I might be a little biased, Emily and Erin's children are all just great kids.
Mother's Day is a fitting time to tell you about the mothers in our family. I'm obviously very proud to be part of a family that enjoys this legacy of motherhood. I have every confidence the legacy will continue on, and that some day our two granddaughters (Zoe and Kaya) will carry on the tradition of great mothering, with guidance from the generations that came before them . I also hope our grandsons (Jaydn, Micah and Ben) will form their families with women who possess these wonderful traits. There is tremendous variety in the paths women take on the journey to, and through motherhood; and each choice is worthy of our respect. But thanks for letting me tell you about the path of women in our family. Happy Mothers Day to all mothers and their families- and a very special Happy Mothers Day (and thank you) to the mothers in our family.
Thanks for looking in.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Contrasting Impacts
Last week I saw an opinion piece from the Washington Post by Dana Milbank. He wrote about "Our Do-Almost-Nothing Congress". Milbank wrote this short piece about the 112th Congress (now in session) and the fact they've done practically nothing. He contrasted today's Congress with the famous Congress of 1947-1948. You history buffs will recall that Truman won an unlikely victory in 1948 running against a "Do Nothing" Congress. Well, the do-nothing Congress of Truman's day is miles ahead of the 112th. According to the record, Milbank points out The Do-Nothing Congress of 1947 passed 908 public laws. So far, the 112th Congress (which is about 3/4's over) has passed just 106 public laws. The House has taken 195 roll-call votes on about 60 total pieces of legislation. Here's the really pathetic part. Those 60 big items include the naming of Post Offices and this amazing set of accomplishments:
-The Mark Twain Commemorative Coin Act
-The Sportsman's Heritage Act of 2012
-The World War II Memorial Prayer Act
-The Permanent Electronic Duck Stamp Act
-Legislation requiring the Treasury to mint coins commemorating the 225th anniversary of the U.S. Marshals Service.
Mr. Milbank points out that this Congress has only officially been in session 41 of the last 127 days. They only are scheduled to work 17 on the last 34 weeks remaining in this session. This Congress is on track to be the worst, most ineffectual Congress in memory. As people in this country struggle to make it in a down economy- as they struggle to pay the bills and pay for college for their kids, you have to ask yourself, "what are these people doing?". This Congress has the lowest approval rate since we started keeping track- because they've earned it.
Why is this deplorable situation is happening? There are a number of factors in my view. The House is now under Republican leadership and the leadership simply isn't able control its own members. The new ultra-conservative members that took office after the 2010 election are so conservative they refuse to cooperate with their own party leadership. Poor Speaker Boehner won't schedule any bills for a vote because he doesn't know how his own party will vote and he would be embarrassed to have a mutiny on his watch.The only bills he can get through are bills and budget proposals so far to the right that the Senate (even some Republicans in the Senate) won't pass them.. Another factor is the very clear tactic of not passing any legislation that would be helpful to the People, for fear the People would give some credit to the President. To illustrate this point just remember the (usually routine) National Debt Ceiling vote that nearly defaulted the nation, and the usually bipartisan Transportation Bill (a Jobs Bill) that still hasn't been passed in the House. They have crafted a very transparent and effective strategy of doing nothing, then blaming the President. Some have argued that Speaker Boehner just isn't a very good Speaker. I think that's true. But, both parties share the blame because the atmosphere is now so poisoned by partisan hatred that civility and governance are practically impossible. In the Senate, Republicans have used the filibuster to thwart every bill that the President supports. To be fair there is still plenty of bluster amidst all this inaction. Congressman and women spend more time in front of a cable news channel cameras than they do in session- with the Republicans complaining about the President and the Democrats complaining about the Republicans. Meanwhile nobody is legislating. In a time like this it is so troubling to see our Congress do nothing, while collecting big money and benefits, and being on vacation more than half the time.
Sometimes just when I need it- just when things seem so disheartening and dysfunctional an event will come along to lift my spirits and make me believe there is still plenty of reason for hope. Last Friday night was one of those times. I had the privilege to sit down to dinner with about 450 staff and supporters from Catholic Charities Spokane. Catholic Charities Spokane is an amazing organization. They are the largest charitable and social service agency in Eastern Washington. Each year Catholic Charities touches the lives of 77,000 individuals by providing a variety of services to the poor, the homeless, the disenfranchised- as well as providing excellent early childhood education, refugee services, and housing programs. Catholic Charities provides these services by working with Government and private funding sources to cover an amazing range of human needs. Their leaders and staff employ a simple set of guiding principles and a mission that speaks eloquently to the dignity of all people (including the poor) and the pursuit of social justice. Those who are helped by Catholic Charities span the whole range of religions or no religion at all. They provide services based "on need-not creed" as they say. A truly special part of last Friday's dinner and Gala was that on that night Catholic Charities Spokane was celebrating it's Centennial-100 years of working for the betterment of those in need, and the betterment of our community.
It was an uplifting experience to be sure. But, it also made me wonder why this organization can dedicate itself to this work and have such an enormous positive impact, while those we elect to lead and guide us seem so inept at achieving even the simplest deeds on behalf of our wounded nation. I think the answer lies in the concept of service. The people of Catholic Charities have a true dedication to those they serve and the mission under which they provide services. In other words, they mean what they say and the live out the purpose for their existence. Contrast that to today's politicians who wrap themselves in the flag of patriotism as they stand before us at the 4th of July Community Picnic to tell us how they are honored to serve us-when in fact those in Congress seem to have a dedication only to themselves and the continuous quest for political power and the money that follows it.
This idea of service-and community, are profound ideas. For me, these ideas and values go straight to the heart of what a society and a culture are for. I left Friday's event thinking of the huge gulf between the impact Catholic Charities is having, compared to the sickly, sad, and disheartening impact our leaders in Congress are having. It seem that those who so sincerely court our votes, promising to SERVE us in Congress, have no intention of SERVING once they get there. The politics of power and control rule the day. For example take the simple matter of the Lilly Ledbetter Law. This was President Obama's first piece of proposed legislation. It proposes equal pay for equal work between men and women. Almost every Republican in the House voted against it (Including my Representative- Cathy McMorris-Rodgers). Now I ask, what could wrong with equal pay for equal work? Are people for unequal pay for equal work? No! But, Republicans voted against it because it was supported by the President. The politics of power and greed have robbed those in Congress of their sense of service to the people who put them there-along with a fair measure of common sense.
In one week I saw two clear examples of organizations that are worlds apart in there ability to serve the people their mission demands they serve. The Congress could take a valuable lesson from the people of Catholic Charities. They would serve the country much better if they could just get past the quest for power and do the simple things that make life better for the People they represent. A dose of common sense and humility among those who SERVE the nation would do two things: it would produce actual legislation; and it would infuse our lawmakers with a spirit to serve again. There are many examples of people and organizations that remain true to their purpose and show through their actions that they will serve and care for their fellow man. I wish Congress had the same convictions about service that our friends at Catholic Charities have. Our world would be better for it.
Thanks for looking in.
-The Mark Twain Commemorative Coin Act
-The Sportsman's Heritage Act of 2012
-The World War II Memorial Prayer Act
-The Permanent Electronic Duck Stamp Act
-Legislation requiring the Treasury to mint coins commemorating the 225th anniversary of the U.S. Marshals Service.
Mr. Milbank points out that this Congress has only officially been in session 41 of the last 127 days. They only are scheduled to work 17 on the last 34 weeks remaining in this session. This Congress is on track to be the worst, most ineffectual Congress in memory. As people in this country struggle to make it in a down economy- as they struggle to pay the bills and pay for college for their kids, you have to ask yourself, "what are these people doing?". This Congress has the lowest approval rate since we started keeping track- because they've earned it.
Why is this deplorable situation is happening? There are a number of factors in my view. The House is now under Republican leadership and the leadership simply isn't able control its own members. The new ultra-conservative members that took office after the 2010 election are so conservative they refuse to cooperate with their own party leadership. Poor Speaker Boehner won't schedule any bills for a vote because he doesn't know how his own party will vote and he would be embarrassed to have a mutiny on his watch.The only bills he can get through are bills and budget proposals so far to the right that the Senate (even some Republicans in the Senate) won't pass them.. Another factor is the very clear tactic of not passing any legislation that would be helpful to the People, for fear the People would give some credit to the President. To illustrate this point just remember the (usually routine) National Debt Ceiling vote that nearly defaulted the nation, and the usually bipartisan Transportation Bill (a Jobs Bill) that still hasn't been passed in the House. They have crafted a very transparent and effective strategy of doing nothing, then blaming the President. Some have argued that Speaker Boehner just isn't a very good Speaker. I think that's true. But, both parties share the blame because the atmosphere is now so poisoned by partisan hatred that civility and governance are practically impossible. In the Senate, Republicans have used the filibuster to thwart every bill that the President supports. To be fair there is still plenty of bluster amidst all this inaction. Congressman and women spend more time in front of a cable news channel cameras than they do in session- with the Republicans complaining about the President and the Democrats complaining about the Republicans. Meanwhile nobody is legislating. In a time like this it is so troubling to see our Congress do nothing, while collecting big money and benefits, and being on vacation more than half the time.
Sometimes just when I need it- just when things seem so disheartening and dysfunctional an event will come along to lift my spirits and make me believe there is still plenty of reason for hope. Last Friday night was one of those times. I had the privilege to sit down to dinner with about 450 staff and supporters from Catholic Charities Spokane. Catholic Charities Spokane is an amazing organization. They are the largest charitable and social service agency in Eastern Washington. Each year Catholic Charities touches the lives of 77,000 individuals by providing a variety of services to the poor, the homeless, the disenfranchised- as well as providing excellent early childhood education, refugee services, and housing programs. Catholic Charities provides these services by working with Government and private funding sources to cover an amazing range of human needs. Their leaders and staff employ a simple set of guiding principles and a mission that speaks eloquently to the dignity of all people (including the poor) and the pursuit of social justice. Those who are helped by Catholic Charities span the whole range of religions or no religion at all. They provide services based "on need-not creed" as they say. A truly special part of last Friday's dinner and Gala was that on that night Catholic Charities Spokane was celebrating it's Centennial-100 years of working for the betterment of those in need, and the betterment of our community.
It was an uplifting experience to be sure. But, it also made me wonder why this organization can dedicate itself to this work and have such an enormous positive impact, while those we elect to lead and guide us seem so inept at achieving even the simplest deeds on behalf of our wounded nation. I think the answer lies in the concept of service. The people of Catholic Charities have a true dedication to those they serve and the mission under which they provide services. In other words, they mean what they say and the live out the purpose for their existence. Contrast that to today's politicians who wrap themselves in the flag of patriotism as they stand before us at the 4th of July Community Picnic to tell us how they are honored to serve us-when in fact those in Congress seem to have a dedication only to themselves and the continuous quest for political power and the money that follows it.
This idea of service-and community, are profound ideas. For me, these ideas and values go straight to the heart of what a society and a culture are for. I left Friday's event thinking of the huge gulf between the impact Catholic Charities is having, compared to the sickly, sad, and disheartening impact our leaders in Congress are having. It seem that those who so sincerely court our votes, promising to SERVE us in Congress, have no intention of SERVING once they get there. The politics of power and control rule the day. For example take the simple matter of the Lilly Ledbetter Law. This was President Obama's first piece of proposed legislation. It proposes equal pay for equal work between men and women. Almost every Republican in the House voted against it (Including my Representative- Cathy McMorris-Rodgers). Now I ask, what could wrong with equal pay for equal work? Are people for unequal pay for equal work? No! But, Republicans voted against it because it was supported by the President. The politics of power and greed have robbed those in Congress of their sense of service to the people who put them there-along with a fair measure of common sense.
In one week I saw two clear examples of organizations that are worlds apart in there ability to serve the people their mission demands they serve. The Congress could take a valuable lesson from the people of Catholic Charities. They would serve the country much better if they could just get past the quest for power and do the simple things that make life better for the People they represent. A dose of common sense and humility among those who SERVE the nation would do two things: it would produce actual legislation; and it would infuse our lawmakers with a spirit to serve again. There are many examples of people and organizations that remain true to their purpose and show through their actions that they will serve and care for their fellow man. I wish Congress had the same convictions about service that our friends at Catholic Charities have. Our world would be better for it.
Thanks for looking in.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
note on last post: The Problem of religion
Occasionally the Blogger website will delete or alter some portion of the text I've written. This article was a victim of that mysterious happening. It happened as I was publishing the post and was not detected until after the post was published. This explains the portion of a paragraph that is missing. My apologies for the error that occurred. I suppose this is just a glitch that sometimes happens in our technology. Fortunately it is rare, but I still regret that this occurred. Thank for reading Different Thoughts. Dave
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