The Mothers In Our Family

I live in a family dominated by women. Perhaps that isn't exactly accurate anymore-counting my sons-in-law and the grandsons we have now. My wife and I had two daughters- and my two daughters' generation were entirely girls on my wife's side of our extended family. Seeing all these girls in the family and watching them grow up to be parents themselves has given me some perspective on the issue of motherhood. I don't claim to understand it entirely, but I have grown to admire the mother's role more and more, and appreciate the power of motherhood. More specifically I have grown to appreciate the mothers in our family.

As much as I know and love the women who were mothers and grandmothers to me as I was growing up, I'm  focusing on the women from my wife's side of the family. My grandmothers and my mom have long passed away, and I want this essay to speak to the on-going legacy of motherhood that forms the chain of loving continuity in our family. I take my role as a father very seriously and I know the importance of fathers, but as I reflected on the strength of this family I know it is the women- the mothers- who provide the strong core of our family.

Generational motherhood is ever-present. Up until just a few years ago we had the experience of having five generations of women present in this family. It started with my wife Lee's great-grandmother being a big part of her life and upbringing. Francesca was an Italian immigrant who came here to found the family in this country along with her husband Enrico. When our kids came along (with their cousins) we took great pains to make sure the five-generation pictures were taken at every occasion. But the five-generation situation was more than just a photo op, it served as a template for mothering. It demonstrated that motherhood is a special skill that is best taught and passed on from one generation to the next. When our grandchildren arrived, the family once again had the privilege of five generations- but that too has passed now. Having spent my professional career working with sub-par moms in the child welfare arena I can attest that bad mothering can be generational too. So, I never underestimate the influence of prior generations in creating good moms. In fact, it's an essential ingredient.

My wife's grandmother and great-grandmother each have a unique story that is worth telling in detail, but this is a blog not a book, so I'll just say these women had great strengths and skills as mothers. Those generations were a microcosm of the changes for women in this country over the last century, as women's roles went from being the immigrant farm wife and mother, to being the mother and woman working outside the home. This huge social change can be tracked perfectly in the women  of our family. Lee's mom, Ellie, was really the first of the mothers in our family to be employed full-time while being a full-time mother. She is retired and in her eighties now but remains a major influence in the lives of her three children. She experienced a troubled first marriage (with the kids' dad) but used that experience to impart an important lesson to her children. The lesson was to be self-sufficient. She taught her two daughters that being a mother meant being dedicated to your children in every way possible- including being able to support and provide for them- on your own, if you have to. She is an example of the hard working woman who was able to balance the needs of her children while holding down a job or even being a business owner.

That brings me to my wife Lee and her journey through motherhood. I first sensed the power of motherhood about a year after we were married. We got married young  (both of us age 20). After about a year of marriage Lee started having very strong feelings about having a child. Our financial situation wasn't the best for starting a family, but I learned very quickly about the biological drive some women feel to have a baby. So we had a baby. Lesson one: the pull of motherhood is stronger than me- and just about everything else too. I didn't  object  at the time- nonetheless I got the point. And things worked out OK-having our first daughter at age 22. (I mean, are you ever really prepared enough?- No.)

We moved, we worked, we got a house and did all things young parents do. About two years later we had our second child. We decided then that two kids would be about right for us. Those first years of parenting were years of real joy and real learning for both of us, as young parents. However, to be honest, it was Lee who shouldered most of the work of nurturing our children in those critical first years of life. Even though I tried hard to be a good father, there were times when only Lee had the magic touch to soothe a crying baby. Lesson two: "only mama" is a real thing. Mothers can connect with babies on a level most men can never achieve.

It was during those years that I noticed the women in the family instinctively sought out and knew just when to share the common experience of being a mother. We are a complex species and I think it's safe to say that not everything in mothering (or parenting in general) is totally instinctive. Most of it is taught. And our family was very fortunate to have so many seasoned teachers (mothers) among us. Many times I can recall Lee calling or talking to her mother, grandmother, or older sister about the art of mothering. Even in the event of differing opinions and generational differences a valuable lesson could always be found. Lesson three: There is no substitute for the collective wisdom of mothers.

As our kids grew a bit older, Lee's mothering activities moved her into being with many other mothers at a Parent Cooperative Preschool. This was a place where young mom's (and some dads) learned to provide high level early childhood education to their children under the guidance and supervision of a Master Educator. This experience sowed the seeds of her life's work. Growing from this simple involvement with our children by participating in their early education, Lee has become one of the leading Early Childhood Educators in the state. Lee kept advancing her own education and prowess as our kids were growing until she finished her AA, then her Bachelors degree in Education, and finally her Masters in Early Childhood Education. She was an elementary teacher, a Director of a Child Care Resource and Referral agency, a Regional Child Care Licencing Director, an Early Childhood Education Director of a large school district, and a now the Director of a major Child and Family Center, as well as being a sought-after professional consultant on Child Care. She has a great career as you can see- but what is interesting is that this is all an outgrowth of her interest in being a good mother.

The positive effects of Lee's life as a mother, an educator, and now a grandmother are showing up in our children and grandchildren. I have written in other entries about our two daughters and our pride in the kind of people they've turned out be. Their mom was an outstanding role model for them in all categories of their lives. They witnessed, from a very young age, how hard Lee worked to get her education. They too have gone on to higher education, with both of the girls obtaining college degrees. They watched as Lee entered her profession and excelled, just as they are both excelling in their chosen professions. But what is most remarkable to see is the way both of our daughters have blossomed as parents. Erin is an outstanding mother (and step-mother to her husband's son). She is one of the most attentive and affectionate mom's I've ever seen. She puts my parenting skills to shame. In spite of her lofty career demands she and her husband Landon go out of their way to make sure her kids have a happy home life and the best education available to them. Emily is such a great parent too. Her natural warmth and affection is showered on her children. Emily has dedicated herself to the delicate (and often difficult) balancing act of a demanding profession and the amazing job she's doing raising her kids. Emily has just returned to work after having her new baby daughter in January. She and her husband Jake have created a great environment and arrangement to make sure their kids are growing and developing just as they should. The dedication to their kids is amazing- and though I might be a little biased, Emily and Erin's children are all just great kids.


 Mother's Day is a fitting time to tell you about the mothers in our family. I'm obviously very proud  to be part of a family that enjoys this legacy of motherhood. I have every confidence the legacy will continue on, and that some day our two granddaughters (Zoe and Kaya) will carry on the tradition of great mothering, with guidance from the generations that came before them . I also hope our grandsons (Jaydn, Micah and Ben) will form their families with women who possess these wonderful traits. There is tremendous variety in the paths women take on the journey to, and through motherhood; and each choice is worthy of our respect. But thanks for letting me tell you about the path of women in our family. Happy Mothers Day to all mothers and their families- and a very special Happy Mothers Day (and thank you) to the mothers in our family.

Thanks for looking in.