Self-determination. Independence. Self-control. Taken to the extreme- control freak. No matter what we call it, most of us want to believe that we have control over our lives. It is that part of personal freedom that we value because it means that we are in charge of ourselves, and we need that. I’m beginning this part of Molly’s story on the theme of control because this issue struck me very squarely the last time I visited with her.
My friend Molly is a 34 year old woman. She is married and the mother of a six year old daughter. Molly has breast cancer. She learned of her cancer last September. She went through the screening and testing at an unusually early age, because her mother had just gone through breast cancer treatment. That made Molly a high risk candidate. So the news that she actually had breast cancer was a severe blow to her and her family. The early events included months of tests and planning to determine just how the battle would be fought. Molly has a disadvantage in this battle that most cancer patients don’t have. She is also a type 1 diabetic. Diabetics have a very complicated life without the issue of cancer to deal with. Imagine how complicated it is to deal with both. Added to that, Molly’s husband lost his job due to his employer’s wish to rid themselves of a high-cost insurance liability. Nonetheless these young parents have persevered. Jeremy got a new job almost right away and Molly set about the business of starting her cancer treatment. She began a very rigorous course of Chemo therapy in early January.
I visited with her in March after she had been through about two and half months of Chemo. As we talked about her experiences with cancer treatment she explained how the Chemo therapy had robbed her of control in her own life. It was the treatment and the disease itself that determined her daily schedule. She no longer had the power to decide on the events of her days. She was required to be at the treatment center almost every day- she was required to stay for hours each time- and she was required to endure the horrendous side effects from the Chemo. Among the side effects she was forced to accept were the changes she had to make in the time she spent with her daughter, disruptions in patterns of meals, and sleepless nights-followed by days of fatigue. She experienced bone-crushing pain in her joints at first, along with many other small but annoying ailments as her body reacted to the poison she took in. And, of course she lost her hair.
Then a few weeks ago I had the chance to see her again. I had been trying to contact her for a while and hadn’t gotten a response. I never get upset when I don’t hear right back from her. I know that when that happens, it’s because she’s doing what she needs to do, and she’s entitled. Nonetheless I was very pleased when she called and we had a chance to share a lunch together and get caught up. Incidentally, the reason I hadn’t heard from her was that over the previous few weeks, the last of her side effects was a dangerous drop in white blood cell count- making her weak and unable to expose herself to any potential infections.
As we talked I learned that Molly had just come to the end of this most rigorous course of treatment. From now on she will be engaging in a much less demanding (and less painful) schedule of Chemo. As our conversation went on it became clear that Molly is all about regaining lost control in her life. Her spirits were much better and we talked about many things. Most of what we talked about were not directly connected to her cancer-but strangely were all indirectly connected to her condition. For instance, she has a new hobby. She has taken up target shooting with hand guns, and is now totally taken by it. I think a friend first asked her to go shooting a short time ago, and she has since gone a few more times, including once or twice with her dad.
I thought about why this might be such an appealing activity. I concluded that the act of firing a gun is one that conveys total control to the marksman. I’m not a gun person myself, though I have fired many weapons before, and I can attest to the sense of power and control that comes with firing a handgun or a rifle. I must confess I get a similar charge from shooting my bow. But in Molly’s case, I believe she must relish the feeling of having a powerful instrument in her hand, that only she controls. This must be such a contrast to the lack of control associated with cancer treatment and the endless hours of suffering consultants and medical experts.
Molly also talked about how she is re-exerting more control over her own body. She talked about slowing regaining energy and how she plans to deal with her hair as it starts to grow back. These are all aspects of reclaiming one’s self from the slavery of invasive medical treatment. I felt very happy for her. I felt like she was coming back into her own.
There will more parts to this story to come. It is not over. The next phase of treatment will now involve the surgical procedures. She let me know that as early as next month she will likely undergo a double mastectomy. After that she will start the reconstruction phase of surgery. But in a way these parts of her treatment won’t have the same sense of lost control that the first horrible round of Chemo had. The shock has been experienced and she lived through it. This is still a long haul to finish this journey. She still appreciates support from family and friends- some who have risen to great heights of friendship and love, while others have waned into their own lives and don’t call much anymore. There is no long-suffering self-pity in her. Her attitude and resolve are defiant, determined, and full of grit. She is back in control. As always, I marvel at her determination to win this battle and come out the other end with a new lease on a long life as a mother, a wife, a friend, and a truly unique woman. To be continued…….
Thanks for looking in.
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