I know I’m going to stumble on this one. But what father wouldn’t stumble a bit in describing his thoughts about his daughters? I've been thinking about our two daughters quite a lot- more than usual lately. Both of our daughters have had very eventful years, with welcomed additions to the family and advancements in both of their careers. Our youngest daughter Emily is celebrating her birthday this week, and that happy occasion has given this old dad a special reason to contemplate our daughters’ lives and, by association, my life.
Lee and I had always planned to have two kids. It was possible during those child-bearing years to have known the gender of our children prior to their births, but the practice wasn’t as common then, so we waited until the big moment to find out “it’s a girl”. In both cases we were very happy to have a little girl. I suppose it was fate that we had daughters because, for the life of us, we just couldn’t settle on a boy’s name. A few of the old fashioned guys around took me aside for a moment of quiet grieving that I didn’t have "a boy" to teach sports to, or be able to attend "my boy’s" sporting events. They wanted to (ever so gently) impart sympathy for the disappointment they knew I must be feeling. Jeez, were they wrong!
Because this is her birthday week, let me tell you about our younger daughter Emily. She came along a little over two years after our first-born Erin. Emily had the distinct advantage of having a two year old sister with a case of early-onset “caregiver” in her character. Emily’s mobility and need to develop speech were just a little late because she always had a big sister to drag her from room to room and dutifully inform us when her little sister needed a cookie. Of course you can’t just give the baby a cookie without one for the big sis too. Somehow Emily managed to find her independence and, from an early age, developed one of the most engaging smiles you’ll ever see- a trait she possesses to this day.
I won't chronicle every aspect of Emily’s growth and development for the last thirty-four years. But I can tell you she grabbed childhood by the neck and hung on for all she was worth. As a kid she was smart, energetic, inquisitive, and social. Physically, she always had athletic gifts that made her a winner in just about physical activity she tried. Team sports were never her favorite thing because her sense of empathy caused her to feel badly for the kids on the bench who didn’t get much playing time. As an athlete she settled on track where she was a real stand-out. The culmination of that effort was a State Championship for her track team, with a couple of gold medals at State for herself in the process. Academic ventures were always successful for her too. Emily is smart- but she always worked hard too. I think her competitiveness played a part in her school success. Of course she had some stumbles along the way with her “social” life during those pesky teen years. Again, I won’t go into that. But like all of us, the hard lessons in life make us who we are.
Emily is that strange combination of an adventurer and yet deeply grounded to home- and one who finds change difficult. As a parent it leaves you wondering which Emily you’ll be talking to on any given day. The adventurer took her away from us all the years she was in college. She ended up in Georgia by way of California- about as far from Washington as you can get and still be in the country. But I know it was a great experience for her and in the end she came back a wiser, wonderfully educated, and fully adult person. I remember her mom and I were visiting her in Georgia during her senior year, and being so impressed at how she had prepared her studies, and how adept she had become in handling school and work. I knew then our little girl was all grown up. She left again for a short while after college to make her way in the world, but her Lee and I always felt she would be back home again.
While Emily was gone after college she found her place in the business world. Good luck smiled on us again when her company opened a big new facility right here. She came back. Soon she married a great guy, also from here, and soon thereafter had her own child. In the years that came afterward Emily has risen very fast in her business, and only last January had her second child. To say we’re proud of her is such an inadequate expression of our feelings for her. She is so special. I can say with all honesty, I’ve never met a person who doesn’t genuinely like that kid. That makes a parent happy. I have seen her in her work environment and I've seen her with her children and the whole family. She's always the same- she can light up a room.
But we have two daughters and our first born is very special too. I know this sounds like so much bragging, and in truth it is. I’ll get to the point in the end, I promise. First, you have to know a little about Erin. Erin has always been the quieter of the two girls (on the outside), but a child much older and wiser than her years. She had great success in school too- but preferred the "under the radar" approach. I think it was difficult for her to be in school during the rise of the neo-conservative movement, having come from such liberal parents. What a burden to listen to all of her classmates pouring out the politics of their conservative homes, and her stuck with the politics of her liberal home. I know she was in the minority. In the end I think it helped hone the great mind she has. We spent the years watching Erin grow up, endlessly wondering what was going on in that head of hers. She was quiet and not given to sharing many of the thoughts percolating in her mind. Still we could sense her deep feelings about the world round her, and for those close friends she valued so much. Still waters do run deep. Her way of dealing with us and a little sister was to get very technical and legalistic when conflicts arose. A consummate negotiator, she was constantly brokering family deals. I remember finding a “contract” Erin had written and presented to us around age 9 or 10. I kept it for many years because it was so “her”. The contract was meant to remedy some horrible injustice having to do with bedtimes. I recall that Erin felt it was manifestly unfair that Emily’s bedtime was past the hour set for her, when she was Emily’s age. It contained a preamble, point by point rational arguments, and a detailed five-point solution that logically paved the way to her point of view. There were proper signature and date lines, of course. Well, that was Erin.
For all of Emily’s success in athletics, it was Erin who always went there first. Be it dance, softball, soccer or track- Erin was the one to try new things and quietly pushed herself through uncharted land. Although Erin didn’t have Emily’s athletic success (or body type) I always thought Emily did many of the things she did, just because her big sister showed her the way. Erin left us to go to college too. Her higher education kept her closer to home, only one State away. Her compassion for others and her inquisitiveness drew her to social work, in spite of my dire warnings. But I’m happy to report she has a brain to match her enormous heart. Her success in college led her to the profession she wanted. The turns of life had her returning to her home town, where she has now flourised. Being in social work myself I often run into people who know her professionally and report to me or Lee how well respected she is our community. Of course, she is also a wife and mom extraordinaire. Even with her depth of feeling and emotion, she is a student of good parenting and family relationships. She practices the art parenting like craftsmen practices their art.
I look back now, and somehow I didn't imagine myself or Lee with children in their mid-thirties. I have always enjoyed my kids more the older they got (and still do). But I didn’t envision them as such fully evolved adults. I guess that’s the part of being a parent that reminds us they are always our kids. Now as I look at them and the great children and families they’ve formed, I have a much more profound appreciation for what they’ve accomplished in life. I also have a tremendous respect for the places they’ve carved out for themselves. It's particularly important that women have all the opportunities in life to act on their ambitions. Even though they both have hectic lives, both girls have really distinguished themselves as young women who have created great families and still contribute so wonderfully to their chosen professions.
Our two daughters have each reached a place in life that calls for a parent to just step back and say: Good job girls! I can never forget the memories of their years as young children. I still have vivid memories of small tender moments, or times I beamed with pride at some accomplishment where I just want to shout to everyone around, “hey, that’s my kid!” I also have memories of doing all the "parental" stuff when they misbehaved or got into some crazy teenage trouble. But that’s all part of the deal. None of it seems important now, beyond the satisfaction of seeing how they turned out. It’s the ultimate prize.
I’m not the only one who feels these things for our kids. Their mom has the very same sense of them as people –and such deep feelings for them as our two little girls. Much of what they came to be happened by following the example their mother set for them. You can’t imagine how grateful I am they had that template to follow. Even now when they need a word of advice about a family matter or some professional issue, they always turn to their mom.
Having children in the mid-thirties is a strange thing for me- but a good thing. I know the time of having any kind of traditional “dad” role is over. I miss that a little. But this new, different role of being a colleague in life is pretty great too. All of us care about our kids and relish moments of pride and affection. The feelings for our own two kids aren’t much different than the feelings most parents have, I’m sure. I just wanted to express my gratitude and affection for the kind of people they’ve turned out to be. I don’t believe in a spiritual afterlife. I think our afterlife exists in the children we raise, and in their children. I couldn’t ask for better ones.
Thanks for looking in.
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