In the beginning of any new year, I think it serves us well to think about, and review the year just passed. In my case that's particularly true because the last year was such a consequential, significant year in my life and that of my family. There have been incredibly important events for us as a family, and as I recall them I have come to recognize a theme for the last year. If nothing else, 2018 taught me about acceptance. I won't say that everything I've experienced has made me an expert at the art of acceptance, but it has put me on the road to learning about acceptance, and that is the key to someday mastering that difficult place in our minds.
I suppose definitions are important to ensure that our communications hold a common value and to that end I consulted several dictionary meanings to the word acceptance. I didn't care for most of them so I synthesized this one: Acceptance is recognizing that certain realities are beyond our ability or natural capacity to change the outcome of those realities. I'm not sure Webster's or Merriam's would totally agree with my definition, but my experiences and a little help from them led me to this one.
So, here are a few of the milestones along my path to that place we call acceptance. Some of them are difficult and harrowing events, while others marked new beginnings or changes that keep us moving along life's inevitable path. But what they have in common is our profound inability to change their course. Starting right off in January we began the year with my wife's diagnosis of Breast Cancer. From this we learned that the next year and maybe longer, would be filled with difficult emotions, physical pain, and uncertainty about the future and the ultimate conclusion of this disease. The need to apply acceptance to this situation was critical to getting through it. Some Cancers, and I think Breast Cancer in particular, has no immediate correlation to how a person lives or the choices the person makes. It simply happens sometimes for no apparent reason. In Lee's case, there was no family history or behavior to link to it; she was in good shape physically and always took good care of herself. As we learned, there are just times when our bodies begin to create rogue cells that become lethal to the rest of our bodies. We had our moments of deep worry, crying, and anger, but in the end acceptance is the only reasonable emotion- then you get on with the business to treating the disease. You go through the appointments, the surgery, the scaring, the pain, the medications and all that is involved. Lee has now come out of that year cancer free "for now", as she would say because the art of acceptance teaches us that there are no certainties when it come to disease. In this case she was my champion in learning about acceptance- and so much more.
Disease is also touching other parts of the family. All during this time my brother-in-law has also been dealing with Cancer. He, and my sister have gone through all the same stages of emotion and physical trials. His cancer is still proceeding, and I continue to marvel at both the courage and the acceptance I see in them. They too are great teachers in acceptance. I'm grateful to my sister that we can talk so openly about the things we can do, and the things that are beyond our capacity to change.
In the last year another event has altered our lives and given us the chance to learn acceptance. My wife's parents have relocated to our home town to live in Assisted Living. Both have serious and progressive ailments that require a great deal of attention. Both have need of numerous doctor visits, extensive medication management, extreme mobility limitations, and are prone to injury from the slightest fall or mishap. Of course having them near us allows us to be of service to them in ways we never could when they lived in another town. Although their many needs are frustrating to them and us, there is much to be learned about acceptance of old age and all it brings. Much of the responsibility for their medical care falls to my sister-in-law who has also been a model of acceptance, but it affects all four generations of our family who are near them now. In some ways I'm grateful the younger generations in our family can be near this and learn from it, as I have.
Old age, disease, injury- they are all platforms from which to practice the art of acceptance. But acceptance also has a more pleasant side. Learning to accept those who are different from us opens us up to many new possibilities and experiences in life. Acceptance of differences frees us from irrational fear, or even hatred of those we don't understand. Acceptance permits us see the world as it is instead of constantly staining to change the nature of things as they are. The peace, and humility that comes with true acceptance helps us navigate both the difficult things and the more pleasant things with a bit more grace and kindness for others as we march through life. Acceptance helps us gain understanding and wisdom (hopefully). Our culture is not so friendly to the art of acceptance. We Americans like to be right about stuff. Even when we aren't right we will fight on to be right. We see value in being fighters, being a people who never give up. We can be a people who "stand our ground"- often when it's not even our ground. But we are a young nation and we still have the chance to learn about acceptance-patience- humility- and wisdom as I have over the last year.
In considering the idea of acceptance I also considered the things I should not accept. Although I have come to value acceptance more than ever, I recognize things I cannot accept. I could never find peace in seeing our core values as a nation being eroded by corruption and greed, as they are now. I could never accept the institutional practice of racism, or the very personal ugliness of racism we see around us everyday. I could never accept the exploitation and assault on children by institutions that seek our trust. I cannot ignore or accept the many forms of injustice that still exist around us at all times. I cannot just acquiesce to the placid world of acceptance in these matters, because there are things we can and must change. So I will find ways to make a difference where and when I can.
As I grow older, the list of things to apply "acceptance" to is getting longer. The longer that list gets the more peace I find in my life. The list of things I cannot accept is getting shorter but my resolve to take action for change is getting stronger. Perhaps that's the way it should be. At any rate I believe life ought to be a constant state of learning, and I'm grateful the lesson plan for last year was acceptance.
Thanks for looking in.
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