My New Boyfriend

GAWD! Dating is so hard these days. I'm just pissed. OK, let me introduce myself. I'm a Republican primary voter. You can call me Melissa, or Peggy, or John or Joe. It just doesn't matter. What matters is that I just can't find the right guy. I have tried so hard but all the good ones are taken, or they just aren't into the dating scene. Take Jeb, and Chris for instance. They won't even take my calls. I've tried flattery-I've tried guilt. I even tried to throw money at them- and now you can't get them to even answer a text. All they want to do is sit this one out and criticize everyone. See if you get asked out again!?! (And Chris, if you ever do want to get asked out again, you better get a handle on that eating problem- just saying.)

The last few years have been tough. I finally realized I just have to make some changes in my life. So I decided to really get back in the game after the terrible year I had in "08. But, who can blame me after the way  Bush totally wrecked the dating scene for me? Barack Obama- Really? I got so frustrated with him I started calling him a Socialist, a Communist and a Fascist- all in the same sentence. I know it doesn't make sense, but he was making me nuts. (BTW- he's black) So I got serious and started looking around for a new boyfriend. Let me tell you- it ain't been easy. I even joined a social dating network called the Tea Party. They were great at first with all the attention and stuff, but that didn't work out either. Turns out they were just a bunch of old white folks who didn't know medicare IS a government program. Turns out they just like crazy hats and they had issues with anything Obama said. (BTW- he's black)

I kind of knew who was "on the market" in January. So I asked out a guy named Donald Trump. You may have heard of him. He's a real estate guy and has a TV show where he fires people. He is the only man in America who has gone bankrupt owning a casino. (three times) He was flashy and showy and I guess I got caught up in all the hype. I was even willing to overlook the obvious hair problem and the nutty Birther talk. At first everyone said he was the real thing, but it turned out he was a foolish megalomaniac, and a guy I could never take home to meet my mom.

Next I went to a "speed dating" event. You know, a Republican debate. They have them all over the place, every few days. I saw a guy there named Mitt Romney. He looked good. He's handsome, and he's loaded. The guy could be a mannequin at the Men's Warehouse. What a hunk- and just the right amount of graying at the temples. I wasn't ready to go all in on this guy then- but, you never know.  He looks interesting but the rumor is that he's a guy who just can't "commit". Turns out there is a mountain of video tape to prove it.

Then I thought, maybe I'll experiment, and try a woman. This was my first time with a woman- I don't count Sarah Palin because she was just a big tease. Meet Michele Bachman. She was fun and exciting and new. I admit, I liked being with a woman more than I thought I would, especially after she won that beauty contest in Ames Iowa. She's a great name caller-and had some really weird, different ideas, and maybe I needed that in my life at that time. Turns out she had never taken an American history course and people kept making fun of her. I have to admit some of her ideas were just a little bit CRAZZZEEEE. We broke up- I'm a Republican, so being with a woman wasn't going to be a forever thing anyway. I feel sorry for her though. Now she can't get a date either.

Then HE came. The new guy everybody wanted- Rick Perry. He is so cool and he has a great name and he killed a lot of inmates in Texas. He is devilishly handsome and has a dreamy Texas accent. My uncle Bill even said "he's a good lookin' rascal". Let me tell you, it got hot and heavy in a New York minute! We fell in lust........ then he spoke. Oh No! He had every quality to be a President, except a brain. I really wanted to believe he was "the one", but even I was stunned at how dumb this guy is. Once you've seen the cowboy ride in on his big horse and he plays you that one song he knows on his harmonica- there wasn't much left to talk about. What a disappointment! He's outa there. I heard he is making late night info-mercials for Jesus now.

I thought about Ron Paul, but I'm just not that into him. I thought about Jon Huntsman too. He's smart and capable and all, but he just doesn't turn me on. He's like that guy in high school who is super smart, but nerdie- like his mom combs his hair for him. You can't bring yourself to hang out with him, but you always sit by him during finals so you can cheat off his test. Blah-blah-blah. Rick Santorum. Pulleeeze! What a loser. How does a guy think that losing his Senate seat qualifies him to date me? I'm dying to find a winner in this bunch.

Hey there! Hello Herman Cain. (BTW he's black) It's OK that Herman is black. He's not one of those really smart, president-y black guys. He's my kind of black guy. Even Ann Colter said "our black guys are better than your black guys". He is charming. He says all the things I want to hear. He has a great singing voice. He has a big, generous heart (That's according to him, in explaining his generosity to so many "troubled" women). I think he just wanted to get in my pants....pockets to sell me a book. In the end we broke up too. I guess his wife told him to get his butt back home where she could keep an eye on him. It wouldn't have worked out anyway. That 999 deal was stupid- and he didn't know Lybia from shine-ola. Not really the marrying kind when we're looking for commander-in-chief material, is he?

I'm down to the last guy. Since he is the LAST guy, I'm going all the way with him. It's Newt! I know- I know. I knew him years ago and I never thought he would be my new boyfriend. Back then I thought he was really creepy. He's the guy who invented modern congressional gridlock and eventually looked stupid when he went up against my uncle Bill. He's the guy with all the ex-wives and the affairs. He's the guy with all the ethics violations in Congress and eventually resigned in shame, having to pay that huge fine for corruption. He's also the guy who used his name to create a huge windfall on "K" St. as "not a lobbyist". He's got more baggage than Samsonite, and there's a lot more on the cart we haven't seen yet. Maybe he's changed. I hope so because I've just run out of available guys. Who am I kidding- he's still really creepy. But I'm so desperate, I'll get in bed with Newt. Yuk! Even though I know this is going to turn out very badly in the end- there just isn't anybody left out there to date. I have to hook up with somebody before next year, to take me to the election.


So, meet my new boyfriend Newt Gingrich. I know it's crazy. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just too fickle and I don't know what I want. I've been hurt and confused for a long time now. All I know is that I want to get rid of Obama (BTW he's bla- well, you know). Oh Mitt, if this relationship blows up like every other guy (and gal) I've dated, (and it probably will) I hope you'll still go out with me.

Thanks for looking in.