As we move precariously closer to the Christmas holiday I'm thinking quite a lot about Christmas traditions. Growing up, we didn't have Christmas traditions- we had iron clad Christmas regimens that had to be followed with military precision. Just the mere thought, let alone suggestion, of wavering from our Christmas regimen would draw icy stares from drawn-in faces within the family. If discovered in some clandestine whispered discussion about changing the routine, one might expect to be sent off to the gulag, never to be seen again. So you could say- yes, we had Christmas traditions.
The routine started Christmas eve after a better than usual evening meal. After dinner my grandparents would come over to our house to watch TV and spend time with us. They lived right next door, which made the trip very convenient. TV programming on Christmas eve was always some Christmas special.(in color!) It may have been a variety show where the stars sing Christmas songs and such. It may have been a movie on TV about the nativity or a classic Christmas movie. At 9 we all had some Lipton tea- hot tea with a good deal of sugar, plus some Christmas cookies, to keep us up for midnight mass. After the tea, my grandparents would return to their house for a quick rest and to dress for Christmas mass. We did the same, with my dad donning his Knights of Columbus tuxedo and ceremonial sword. We re-grouped at 11:20 p.m. to make the short trip to church. You had to get there early because there are a lot more Catholics on Christmas than any other time.
Mass took exactly 75 minutes. Then home to hop in bed and await Christmas morning. Up at 7:00 a.m.. My sister and I would check out the tree. No time for breakfast but we were permitted a piece of chocolate fudge. My mom made a mean fudge, and this was the only time fudge was considered as an acceptable breakfast food. Then we all headed next door to my aunt, uncle and cousins' house. The grandparents were already there. You see, all three houses were located next each other. We would patiently watch as the cousins opened their presents along with my aunt and uncle. For some unexplained, and unalterable, reason they were always first in the compound to get Christmas. Then, by 8:40 a.m. it was over to my house where we opened our presents as they all watched us. This usually lasted until about 9:40a.m. This was followed by free time when everyone went there separate ways to sort through the Christmas loot and get rid of the wrapping paper. The communal burn barrel was conveniently located between the houses.
At 11:00 a.m. the whole clan reconvened at the grandparents' house where Christmas dinner would be served. The Turkey dinner was served at noon which gave us time for a Christmas drink. Adolescence was rewarded with a Christmas drink along with the adults. This part of the tradition was a big deal. Following the dinner and the cleanup there was free time again. Weather permitting, the male cousins played football in the perfect rectangle of our back yard. Late afternoon meant reconvening at the grandparents' house for a supper of left-overs and the last of the Christmas gathering.
Regimented as it was, I admit it was pretty nice. It simply became the way we experienced Christmas. Then it happened- we grew up. Growing up meant dating and eventually marrying people who were so inconsiderate as to have their own family Christmas traditions. Here's where the trouble starts.
Perhaps because Christmas is so heavily laden with emotion and family tradition, it can also be a holiday ripe for conflict. We've all seen it, or experienced it. The need to strictly maintain old traditions has, in some sad cases, caused some huge family fights. Family fights at Christmas are never forgotten-- precisely because this holiday is so deeply entrenched with emotions, and high expectations of togetherness. I suppose it's only natural that as more people are added to families through marriage or other necessities it just becomes impossible to adhere to all the old traditions. Logistics just become impossible as we come to grips with the immutable truth that you can't be in two places at once. For those in the older generation (and I count myself there now) feelings can be hurt as we try desperately to keep a tight grip on our traditions. The younger generations, now young parents themselves, struggle to meet the demands of two families- while trying so hard to create traditions of their own, for their children.
It is sad to see families going through times of hurt feelings and conflict. It is heartbreaking to see family conflicts escalate to levels where loved ones won't even speak to each other for long periods. I've seen this happen among folks in my own extended family. For me, and Lee, that would be a hell we could not accept or endure at Christmas or any other time.
Lee and I have decided that there will be only one unbreakable Christmas tradition. We will honor our family by gracefully accepting change and newness coming into our family, with all our love. We have decided that our children are entitled to create their own lives and their own special times to pass on. We see no need to hold our kin to old regimens that are nearly impossible to keep- and make everyone crazy along the way. We have come to know that acceptance is a huge part of family love- and that change and newness can open doors to even more closeness and stronger ties within our family. It's a great gift to give and to receive. Happily, I can report I'm hearing more stories all the time, from people I know, who are making a conscience effort to do things differently, and experience old holidays in new ways. Traditions have their place, and I've enjoyed many- but we must make room in our hearts for the birth of new experiences along the way.
Being in the older generation now I think it is our duty to live and act in ways that support our young parents, with all their challenges in this hectic world.. We've lived through many Christmas seasons now, and I find it remarkably refreshing to just relax, and admire how our children do all they can to bring holiday joy and happiness to their kids. These are proud moments for us. I would never want to get in the way of that by my insistence on tradition, for nothing more than tradition's sake. The true gift of this season is being with family, no matter where or how we do it.
Thanks for looking in.
Thank you, Dave!! Brings back memories of the late 60's when my sister-in-law & I gasped in horror at the very idea of opening presents Christmas Eve instead of Christmas morning...did we ever have a lot to learn !!!
ReplyDeleteWe hear that money woes cause more trouble than anything else in marriages; but I bet holiday traditions are right up there as a close second. I'll even say that some marriages never take place because the traditions are too big of barrier for stiff-necked brides and grooms.
I personally have come a long way from my etched in stone mantras. One year, as a single mother of four young children, juggling several jobs - we had the Easter egg hunt a week late. My sister was shocked, "How can you change Easter?"
My reply was that I was the mother; if I said it was Easter, it was Easter.
As the mother of grown children, with families and commitments of their own - I have learned that any holiday meal or celebration is fluid; traditions are made to be broken, changed or invented as necessary.
The true gift of ANY season is being with family - period. Thanks for reminding all of us.
um... did you write this to make me feel less crappy? ;)
ReplyDeleteJust like all the rest of the ways that you and mom are amazing parents, you also set such a fine example of how to parent us grown up pains in the neck.
Love you!