"Hey You Guys- Knock it Off"

The following is a script of a very short play by, Yours Truly.

"Hey You Guys- Knock It Off"

(opening scene) A group of young people are gathered together behind a school building after school lets out. As the Assistance Principal and PE Instructor, Mr. Jenkins comes around the corner of the building, he sees a group of kids yelling and egging on two boys engaged in an after-school fight. As Jenkins gets closer he sees the two boys rolling on the ground, clothes torn, punching each other, cursing, and exchanging head-locks in what appears to be a death match. The crowd doesn't even notice Jenkins as they are transfixed on the brawl, each encouraging their own favorite in the fight.

 (Jenkins wades through the crowd and grabs each boy- separating them by the scruff of the neck) Jenkins:  "Hey you guys-knock it off"
Ricky: (keeps trying to fighting against Jenkins' grasp- flailing wild punches in Mitts' direction) "let me go- I want that SOB- let me at 'em".
Mitts: (still in fighting stance- but more controlled) "ya, let him go- he asked for this- and I'm gonna give it to 'em".
Jenkins: "That's enough from both of you yah-hoos- and the rest of you better pipe down too. You should all be ashamed. All this cheering these two on isn't solving anything. (looking back and forth at Mitts and Ricky) "now who started this?
Mitts: "He did" ........      Ricky: No! he did!
Jenkins: "Somebody better tell me how this got started before you both get kicked outa here for good."
Mitts: "Look, all I was trying to do was get what was mine. Everybody knows I was next in line for the nomination- that's the way it works around here. I lost last time to John and the rules are; that I get it this time. I've been working on this for years. I've collected a ton of money and all the guys who run this place said I could have the nomination this time. Then this guy suddenly thinks he's hot stuff. He starts calling me names- telling lies about me- and generally pisses me off. It's like, hey what a jerk- didn't anybody explain the rules to this loser."
Ricky: Who you callin' a loser?- loser!  .....   Mitts: " You!- loser. You couldn't even hold your job in Pennsylvania. And when we did all those stupid debates, you were way out on the end of the stage and nobody cared about you. If all those other losers hadn't dropped out you'd still be raising your hand, jumping up and down trying to get noticed. You were a nobody then, and you're a nobody now. You're just the last guy hanging around and you don't even know you're finished here."
Ricky: "If I'm finished, how come I'm beating you every other primary election, smart guy?"
(Ricky starts swinging wildly at Mitts again, with his feet kicking while Jenkins holds him in place) Jenkins: "That's enough outa you . Settle down Ricky- now what's your lame-ass excuse for this spectacle?
Ricky: "I have just as much right to this nomination as he does. Old Richy-Rich over there thinks he can walk in like he owns the place and stake his claim-without even standing for anything. He thinks he's big deal because he has all that money. He just throws his big money around buying TV commercials that say bad things about me. (looking straight at Mitts) How about you, you phony? All these guys here want me to win because you're just a big phony and everybody knows it. No one trusts you, you faker. (crowd cheers)
Mitts: " I'm not a phony! People just like me when I say stuff they like to hear. So I say whatever will make people happy. I care about people- (voice trailing off) and trees- and lakes- and pancakes, and cars....(louder voice now)What about you, Debbie Downer? You just go around trying to be "Mr. holier than thou",  with all your "contraception is just wrong" crap- and "college is for snobs" junk. You don't know anything. You don't have single good  idea of your own.  So I'm here to teach you a lesson."
Ricky: "Butt head!" .........Mitts: "Ass face!"..........Ricky: 'Moderate!"......... Mitts: "Economic Lightweight!
Jenkins: "ENOUGH! Both of you shut up!"
( at this point a  pudgy older kid steps through the crowd, with what looks like a lifeless blow-up doll with blond hair)
Newty: "This is a breathtakingly stupid fight. Both of you need to drop out of this fight immediately so I can explain the how Calista and I will solve every problem on the planet (and some on the moon) from an historical perspec....
Jenkins, Mitts, Ricky, Crowd (in unison) SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!    ( Newty and Calista then depart for a European cruise to continue seeking the nomination on their own- with a case of Newty's books to sell)
Jenkins: " Whew- thank god that guy's gone- he's a bigger blow-hard than you two. Now listen up while I tell you something. This is a stupid fight. If you would think for a change, you'll see nothing is gonna get better with the two of you fighting like this. I've been around here a long time, so you need to take it from me- nothing good can happen. The two of you are just proving  that our school can't pick a team to go against the other guys next fall. You're making us, and yourselves, look petty and dumb. I'm going to settle this fight right here and now- and here's the truth: This thing keeps going on and on because most people don't like either one of you. Ricky, lets face it, you don't have much to offer. You just got trounced in your own state, and Mitts has a point about this 'holier than thou' thing. You may think you're morally superior, but you are out of step, son. The only people who are buying this anti-gay, anti-birth control, aspirin between the knees, ultra- religious nonsense, are those kooks out on the far right fringe. In the mean time every other woman in the country thinks you're nuts. Even the Catholic voters are voting for the Mormon guy over here. Why do think you only win in those bible-belt states. Buy a clue- you ain't so popular where most of the people actually live. (turning to Mitts)
Mitts, you have to know that no one believes a word you say because you keep changing your story. Jeez man, sometimes you change your position in the same sentence. People don't like that. You come off as some insincere, say anything, flip-flopper. When you were a governor, you were a moderate- some might say, almost liberal. Denying it now isn't going to fly- they have you on tape. The businessman rap isn't going to help much either because we all know you just did the Gordon Gekko thing- buying up companies and selling off the parts. Bain Capital? You trying to say that's what America stands for? Didn't you see "Wall Street"? People hated Gekko!............Now, I know you have the money and the friends to get you what you want. And the truth is we usually give it to the next guy in line- even if we hate him. So, here's the way it's gonna be. Mitts, you get the nomination! Ricky, you'll be the next guy in line four years from now, if you haven't joined a monastery or something. BUT- you both have to stop this fight. If you don't, you will just destroy each other and any chance we have left- Got it?
And I've got something to say to all you idiots cheering for this fight. This is partly your fault. Make up your mind! Some of you want this-some of you want that. This isn't a contest to see who can say the most outrageous right-wing stuff- but that's what you've made it. If you want our team to win, you better fall in line and quit egging these bozos on. We need our guy talking about the real issues, not having these two spending their time and their money saying "I'm the real conservative", "etch-a-sketch man" and crap like that. The game is over. Now get serious. Nothing left to see here- all of you go home and don't let me catch you standing around watching a pointless fight like this again.

(closing scene: Jenkins stands alone with Mitts and Ricky as the crowd shuffles away. The two are sniffling, adjusting their tattered clothes,  and staring at each other as Jenkins places a hand on each boys' shoulder.)

Jenkins: "I hope you learned something from this. We're a team. We have stay together to fight the real enemy. All you boys have done is waste money and time to tear each other down so now nobody likes either one of you. Nobody wins like that. By now you gave the other guys enough ammunition, fighting each other, to wreck us next fall. Your ridiculous fight is making this look like a clown show. This has to stop. I want you guys to shake hands and call it quits with this senseless feud. OK?
( Mitts and Ricky each slowly reach their hands toward one another and briefly shake hands without making eye contact)
Jenkins: Good! Glad we settled this. Now it's on to Tampa.
(Mitts and Ricky walk away from each other, with their heads down as each mutters a barely audible phrase)
Ricky: "See ya in Tampa, Butt Head"....................................Mitts: " See ya there, Ass Face"

The End

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